Going back

When I got back home, standing at the airport and waiting for my luggage, the first thing that came to my mind was that I actually didn’t want to arrive. People out there will now tell me how grateful I should be and that I should be happy to see my parents again. Don’t get me wrong, I was. Of course I love my parents and of course I am grateful for what they’ve done for me but in this one year I’ve fell in love with a country and it’s people and built up a completely new life which was not easy at all and it’s not easy to forget. I guess that’s the reason why I loved my life over there even more than the one I have here. If you really have to work to achieve something, it means even more to you at the end.  But that was not the point. I know that I do not want to stay in one place for my whole life and I’m sure it’s not even meant to be. I don’t want life to pass by and I don’t want to regret things when I get older.

When I came home 9 days ago I was more than happy to see my family, friends and „home“ again but as soon as I opened the door to my flat, nothing felt like home. Only one year away and I couldn’t remember so many details about the place I’ve lived in for 17 years. I instantly felt like crying and I guess my parents noticed. They knew I didn’t wanna be there. They knew, I wanted to be somewhere else. And that was actually one of the hardest parts about going back. I never wanted to disappoint someone, especially not my parents but I think I did. They were so excited to see me again and I knew that but then I just had the feeling that I disappointed them because I wasn’t as excited to see them again as they were. I mean I was, but I just wanted to go back. Reality was that I was missing my exchange year badly. It was understandable, I guess. I couldn’t pretend one year never happened and I needed time to settle back in and have time for myself. I don’t hate home, not at all, but I think I still need time to get back to my old life. My mom always tells me that I can go back and obviously I look forward to do that but I know it will never be the same; My friends, school, host families, town –  everything will be different. And that’s was actually makes me so sad. I had so many good friends and now they are on the other side of the world, telling me how much they miss me … and I miss them even more.
I won’t lie, going back is not easy at all and it’s even harder if you have such a good time on your exchange that you didn’t even wanna leave but I guess all I need is a little bit more time.

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